Christian Rock Band Steals!

New York, New York- Members of the Christian rock band Abraham's Lot were photographed stealing a used bike from the New School bike stand earlier today. Singer/songwriter Joseph"Goodlooks"Roman and axeman Yeshua"Wildcard"Herod claimed to have heard God's voice before committing the deed. Fellow band member/drummer Nicholas"The Brain"Cannan was inside the premises spreading The Word during the act.

Upon being confronted by onlookers pointing out that stealing was against Christian teachings, the bandmates retorted "Stolen waters are sweet, and Bread eaten in secret is pleasant.-Proverbs 9:17" thus verbally disarming any potential whistleblowers in the crowd. Apparently they were able to remove the bike because the frame was not locked to the bike rack. Roman then proceeded to disassemble the front wheel subverting the unfortunate owner's locking techniques.

The bike in question was in good working condition. Authorities described it as a white, 10-speed aluminium alloy bike of European make. It has a dynamo attached to the front wheel for power generation. The incident in broad daylight highlights the greater problems the country is facing from the Religious Right and serves as a micro-indicator of ways and methods they zealously use to swindle money and resources in the greater context of things.

Authorities are urging Hipsters not to leave bikes unattended around the presence of Christians/Christian Bands even if they are securely locked. A Police alert has been announced for Abraham's Lot. They were last seen on the L (Gentrification) Train.