It is what we call "suicide weather" out. It is ice cold, the wind is blowing, and the sun sets at 3:30 if it comes up at all. It is so unpleasant to be outside, nothing fun can be accomplished. Inside, all the good food has been eaten and no one is energetic enough for a cannibalistic holocaust. We have been watching movies so much they all blur in to one another. We used all our recreational drugs and the only way to get more is to go outside and it's too cold out there.
In addition to the weather, the US economy has gone to shit. There is no work for a production assistant like me since all the rich people are busy freaking out because they won't be quite as rich as they used to be. Although, if I had money I would just be throwing it in to the furnace anyway because I'm not going anywhere to spend it; but I would feel better if I wasn't so broke.
It is impossible to go hang out with my friends because cell phone signals are freezing in the air and falling onto the street. One day I was trying to go to Manhattan and the train slid all the way to New Jersey on frozen tracks and then the conductor and driver hung themselves because they weren't going to do anything after work because it's just too cold. I turned on the TV and there wasn't anything on except coverage of Obama's peanut gallery; Obama isn't here cuddling with me and keeping me warm so forget about that guy!
The only thing that isn't frozen solid, given up, or boring and uninteresting is the internets... oh wait... nope. Nevermind.
Saturday
Friday
Review of David Lynch's "Inland Empire"
What accounts for my absence?
Something about the basement. It's actually larger than the house itself. It extends underneath the sidewalk for a few feet. Usually this isn't very disorienting because the basement is just piles of assorted junk and it's possible to see over all the piles to the other side of the basement.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
For Halloween, I rearranged the junk to form walls in to a sort of a maze. I took the piles of boards and panels and propped them up against pillars, I rigged abandoned mattresses and doors in to floor to ceiling walls. It was no longer possible to see the walls of the basement besides the one that the participant was closest to. The walls created dark areas and obscured two of the basement's meager ceiling lights. It was a fairly simple maze, an L inside of a D.
I drank a deuce and was drinking some scotch while I replaced the lingering white bulbs with red and purple bulbs. In a dark corner I screwed a bulb into an empty socket, unlike some other sockets in the basement, this one worked and illuminated a long unnoticed recessed corner. In the corner was a mound of objects covered in a clear dropcloth made opaque by filth. Curious, I pulled the dropcloth off, spilling dust that clouded the air.
There was an overwhelming petroleum miasma. I stumbled backward into a magazine rack full of fake flowers leaning against a rusty file cabinet. The plastic barrier had been covering two gardern tillers which were mounted to a white iron tub standing on lion paws. Black oil leaked out of the engines into the tub coating rat skeletons embedded in excrement. A porcelain sink basin was mounted on top, obscured by layers of rotting insulation and newspaper that hung like flesh over the tiller's blades.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
I shuffled around a boxspring wall into a dark corner and leaned on the outer wall of the basement, underneath the sidewalk, rolled a cigarette and flicked my lighter to see if there was any explosive vapor in the air. Satisfied that there wasn't I lit my cigarette. The smoke hung lifelessly in the air with the dust and gasoline odor. The atmosphere was oppressive and my scotch was out of reach on a rusty file cabinet. The tobacco smoke and lung damage made the basement tolerable enough that I retrieved my drink and took a closer look at the machine. It was connected to the pipes running above my head; a racoon-sized rat rushed from behind the contraption and into the makeshift barricades, finding it's path obscured and difficult, it squealed and scratched as if it had gotten trapped. Something shifted in the thickness, there was small knock, tiny scratches flew across the basement.
Bemused, I sipped my drink and noticed a thin film on the surface as I lowered the glass from my face. I walked through the dark corner on my way out of the basement and bumped into a bookshelf in the darkness. I took a left, and then another, and found myself completely disoriented. I downed the scotch and set the glass down on the cracked and undulating floor. I never saw that particular glass again. I twisted on an LED candle and walked along the outside wall until a wall made out of stacked drawers and bed slats wedged against the ceiling forced me away. An array of mutilated bicycled bound together by nooses further blocked my route. I turned around was confounded by more corners and featureless passages of pasteboard and water damage made noteworthy only because of the grime and oppressive vapors.
I found a brick outer wall, covered in flaking white paint with a graffiti tag: SY0A0YZ
[IMAGE REMOVED]
I heard people stepped on the iron basement door, somewhere out of sight. The sound of a subway train was near. It grew and there was slight vibration, followed by the muffled screech of brakes, the computer voice of the train passed through concrete, the earthen roar of the departing train. Farther down the hallway, a sliver of red light came from a thin opening. A green door hung in the tunnel, slightly open. The doorknob was missing and the hole was covered in black tape. I gripped at the edge of the door frame with my fingernails and pulled it open.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
The castle is big and sprawling. Each of the castle's different areas are fairly monotonous by themselves, but they all have their own distinct feel. The different rooms in each area may be similar, or in some cases all the same, but they are distinct in design from the repetitive rooms of other areas. Traversing the castle is made easier by satanic warp zones, but the variety of enemies and combat tactics are enjoyable enough that the warp zones are not necessary.
Truely, a video I found on the internet is worth a million words, so here is a video from that delightful website, letsplayarchive.com. Two awkward Somethingawful.com forum goons play this game, hopefully giving the reader some idea of the great gameplay:
They did a great job playing the game and describing the exciting things encountered in the game play. Sadly, they also experienced, as will all who play this game, a bit of the story. Fortunately, there is very little story in the game, unfortunately, it gave me permanent brain damage. Let's give a hand to the people who made this video and allowed me to be lazy with my description.
Though some say they left to find the inland empire, Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow is a most worthy successor to the 2D Metroid games. I would even say that the added RPG elements and creative monsters make this installment better than any 2D metroid game. The random acquisition of powers gives the game some replayability. I'm looking forward to checking out the bonus disk and perhaps brewing some coffee.
Something about the basement. It's actually larger than the house itself. It extends underneath the sidewalk for a few feet. Usually this isn't very disorienting because the basement is just piles of assorted junk and it's possible to see over all the piles to the other side of the basement.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
For Halloween, I rearranged the junk to form walls in to a sort of a maze. I took the piles of boards and panels and propped them up against pillars, I rigged abandoned mattresses and doors in to floor to ceiling walls. It was no longer possible to see the walls of the basement besides the one that the participant was closest to. The walls created dark areas and obscured two of the basement's meager ceiling lights. It was a fairly simple maze, an L inside of a D.
I drank a deuce and was drinking some scotch while I replaced the lingering white bulbs with red and purple bulbs. In a dark corner I screwed a bulb into an empty socket, unlike some other sockets in the basement, this one worked and illuminated a long unnoticed recessed corner. In the corner was a mound of objects covered in a clear dropcloth made opaque by filth. Curious, I pulled the dropcloth off, spilling dust that clouded the air.
There was an overwhelming petroleum miasma. I stumbled backward into a magazine rack full of fake flowers leaning against a rusty file cabinet. The plastic barrier had been covering two gardern tillers which were mounted to a white iron tub standing on lion paws. Black oil leaked out of the engines into the tub coating rat skeletons embedded in excrement. A porcelain sink basin was mounted on top, obscured by layers of rotting insulation and newspaper that hung like flesh over the tiller's blades.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
I shuffled around a boxspring wall into a dark corner and leaned on the outer wall of the basement, underneath the sidewalk, rolled a cigarette and flicked my lighter to see if there was any explosive vapor in the air. Satisfied that there wasn't I lit my cigarette. The smoke hung lifelessly in the air with the dust and gasoline odor. The atmosphere was oppressive and my scotch was out of reach on a rusty file cabinet. The tobacco smoke and lung damage made the basement tolerable enough that I retrieved my drink and took a closer look at the machine. It was connected to the pipes running above my head; a racoon-sized rat rushed from behind the contraption and into the makeshift barricades, finding it's path obscured and difficult, it squealed and scratched as if it had gotten trapped. Something shifted in the thickness, there was small knock, tiny scratches flew across the basement.
Bemused, I sipped my drink and noticed a thin film on the surface as I lowered the glass from my face. I walked through the dark corner on my way out of the basement and bumped into a bookshelf in the darkness. I took a left, and then another, and found myself completely disoriented. I downed the scotch and set the glass down on the cracked and undulating floor. I never saw that particular glass again. I twisted on an LED candle and walked along the outside wall until a wall made out of stacked drawers and bed slats wedged against the ceiling forced me away. An array of mutilated bicycled bound together by nooses further blocked my route. I turned around was confounded by more corners and featureless passages of pasteboard and water damage made noteworthy only because of the grime and oppressive vapors.
I found a brick outer wall, covered in flaking white paint with a graffiti tag: SY0A0YZ
[IMAGE REMOVED]
I heard people stepped on the iron basement door, somewhere out of sight. The sound of a subway train was near. It grew and there was slight vibration, followed by the muffled screech of brakes, the computer voice of the train passed through concrete, the earthen roar of the departing train. Farther down the hallway, a sliver of red light came from a thin opening. A green door hung in the tunnel, slightly open. The doorknob was missing and the hole was covered in black tape. I gripped at the edge of the door frame with my fingernails and pulled it open.
[IMAGE REMOVED]
The castle is big and sprawling. Each of the castle's different areas are fairly monotonous by themselves, but they all have their own distinct feel. The different rooms in each area may be similar, or in some cases all the same, but they are distinct in design from the repetitive rooms of other areas. Traversing the castle is made easier by satanic warp zones, but the variety of enemies and combat tactics are enjoyable enough that the warp zones are not necessary.
Truely, a video I found on the internet is worth a million words, so here is a video from that delightful website, letsplayarchive.com. Two awkward Somethingawful.com forum goons play this game, hopefully giving the reader some idea of the great gameplay:
They did a great job playing the game and describing the exciting things encountered in the game play. Sadly, they also experienced, as will all who play this game, a bit of the story. Fortunately, there is very little story in the game, unfortunately, it gave me permanent brain damage. Let's give a hand to the people who made this video and allowed me to be lazy with my description.
Though some say they left to find the inland empire, Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow is a most worthy successor to the 2D Metroid games. I would even say that the added RPG elements and creative monsters make this installment better than any 2D metroid game. The random acquisition of powers gives the game some replayability. I'm looking forward to checking out the bonus disk and perhaps brewing some coffee.
Wednesday
History is made!
History was made last night with America electing Barack to be its next President. All I can say is common sense prevailed and the world no longer thinks all Americans are idiots, only some of them are. In other news, McCain continues to live and Palin makes her debut in a full length feature film, "Nailin' Palin",(Wink.Wink!) thus enabling thousands of Red-state flacid penises to have a brief, feeble erection. Wise career choice there. You betcha'!!
Monday
Grad School Project of the Damned
So, I finished this school project last night. It isn't great but I burned my eyes and brain on it and I'm pretty proud of my first attempt with Photoshop and with Adobe Premiere. Please provide constructive criticism so next time I make a movie I don't edit like a high school boy fumbling with a bra. Thanks!
You can watch Grad School Project of the Damned HERE.
You can watch Grad School Project of the Damned HERE.
Thursday
Free Diabetic Coma with Purchase of Democracy
So apparently the merchants of sugary goodness want to reward us for giving consent to the process that will appoint our next Lord and Master. On November 4th just step into a Krispy Kreme for a free doughnut and wash it down with a free scoop of ice cream from Ben and Jerry's. How many of these places can there be in NYC? I think the real question is how long can I ride the train for free doughnuts and ice cream without my insulin. Click these links if you aren't yet blind from adult onset diabetes.
Ben and Jerry Want You!
Free Doughnut with Purchase of Vote
Ben and Jerry Want You!
Free Doughnut with Purchase of Vote
Wednesday
Sicko ( When NOT single)
Pic: Febrile boyfriend gets tended to by his still healthy girlfriend
Falling sick can be depressing and frustrating especially when you are living alone. With the Flu going around, humans of both sexes need to take some pre-emptive measures which can turn this not so enjoyable experience into an immensely blissful one.
I have fallen sick many times(well not that many)in the past but I found myself alone and vulnerable. Not anymore! Here are a few tips that will change your febrile life forever:
Get a girlfriend. Yes. I can't stress on this point more. When women see that you're not well, they are overcome with empathy which is a natural response, thanks in part to their hormones. They will do a lot of things if not everything in their will to make you feel better. Here's what I got for falling sick: Breakfast in bed served with hot tea, Lunch in bed served with more hot tea and medication and Supper in bed served with some more hot tea and dessert. All I did was stay sick and be in bed!
But that's not all. The pot keeps sweetening and girlfriend keeps giving, contingent upon how you manage to detiorate your condition further either genuinely or by feigning more sickness. This step will open your hitherto single and lonely life compounded by bad health care policies and health insurance vermin to "Hotel TLC".
Once you enter this stage of sickness there's no looking back. In addition to the aforementioned Meals-in-bed routine you automatically qualify for added benefits which would make anyone with a gold card membership turn green with envy: Massage(Back or Full Body), Extra Heat in the room, Wet towel, Blow dry hair, coupled with intermittent making out sessions to list a few.
Neither of Obama's or McPain's health care policies include these added benefits because this post is far ahead of its times but there's hope. I strongly suggest readers to think ahead and prepare themselves for 2012. Who knows, if vouched for by good numbers, they may include a $ 1099.99 FYAG (Find yourself a girlfriend) check in your health care.
Saturday
Zombies A JOE-JOE
Halloween is upon us and no matter how much Joe despises zombies when you leave him in front of his laptop too long he inevitably becomes one. This is what you get.
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