Sicko ( When NOT single)

Pic: Febrile boyfriend gets tended to by his still healthy girlfriend

Falling sick can be depressing and frustrating especially when you are living alone. With the Flu going around, humans of both sexes need to take some pre-emptive measures which can turn this not so enjoyable experience into an immensely blissful one.

I have fallen sick many times(well not that many)in the past but I found myself alone and vulnerable. Not anymore! Here are a few tips that will change your febrile life forever:

Get a girlfriend. Yes. I can't stress on this point more. When women see that you're not well, they are overcome with empathy which is a natural response, thanks in part to their hormones. They will do a lot of things if not everything in their will to make you feel better. Here's what I got for falling sick: Breakfast in bed served with hot tea, Lunch in bed served with more hot tea and medication and Supper in bed served with some more hot tea and dessert. All I did was stay sick and be in bed!

But that's not all. The pot keeps sweetening and girlfriend keeps giving, contingent upon how you manage to detiorate your condition further either genuinely or by feigning more sickness. This step will open your hitherto single and lonely life compounded by bad health care policies and health insurance vermin to "Hotel TLC".

Once you enter this stage of sickness there's no looking back. In addition to the aforementioned Meals-in-bed routine you automatically qualify for added benefits which would make anyone with a gold card membership turn green with envy: Massage(Back or Full Body), Extra Heat in the room, Wet towel, Blow dry hair, coupled with intermittent making out sessions to list a few.

Neither of Obama's or McPain's health care policies include these added benefits because this post is far ahead of its times but there's hope. I strongly suggest readers to think ahead and prepare themselves for 2012. Who knows, if vouched for by good numbers, they may include a $ 1099.99 FYAG (Find yourself a girlfriend) check in your health care.

McCain for drilling in Alaska

Dumfries,WV- Speaking to gatherers at the town hall in Dumfries, West Virginia McCain reiterated his stance on drilling in Alaska. He repeatedly pointed out to the fact that this country was facing extreme shortage of resources especially for the last two Bush terms.

"Although many American families have been facing acute shortages and feeling the pinch, myself included, we failed to look for resources in our own land; instead Washington became dependent on foreign resources for stopgap measures. This has resulted in millions of Americans losing their jobs especially here in West Virginia, Ohio and the mid-west in general. I regret some of my own policies in this regard, but I'm a changed man now."

To drive home his point the senile yet mobile Senator announced he would most definitely drill in Alaska for Intellect, not Oil as clueless News-media-at-large have consistently been reporting. Finding a VP nominee from Alaska was an eye opener for him and remote fishing villages in the great state of Alaska would supply America with fresh home grown intellect for ages to come, thus getting rid on foreign dependence, he opined.

At the end of the speech, campaign managers handed out free family-pack Crapola bars(limit 2 per household) to everyone at the gathering in order to promote healthy diet habit among the small town hill people in the state- another of McCain's pet projects if he wins in November.

Sarah Palin delivers!

Alright, this a hypothetical situation assuming McCain still has a decent chance of sweeping the electoral vote.

Fast forward to October 2010. Its a beautiful day in the capital. The manicured lawns of the White House are filled with boisterous laughter of the Palin family. The children and grandchildren of the hockey- mom- turned President are playing with their new paintball guns gifted to them by their loving uncles in the NRA. Two year old (name-not-known) Palin is taking severe punishment from the other kids owed partially to his tryst with Trisomy 21. The gentle October breeze ruffles their hair, rustles the leaves and birds sing tiny notes lending the whole picture an embodiment of human joy.

Exactly six months ago McCains timely death form an idiopathic medical condition of his left cheek put Palin in the White House and in charge of the well being of unamused, 300 million plus American citizenry.

So far, she has failed them in all accounts. She went back on her promise of preparing home made meals for the National Guard. Funding was re-routed from schools to building sound infrastructure for Hockey stadiums. Alaskan Moose have been breeding non-stop for fear of extinction thus overtaking the human population there by a humongous margin and spilling on to neighboring Canada. Gas and condoms have been rationed for different reasons altogather. In general, the picture is overcast with gloom and dismay in contrast with the mood in the Presidential lawns.

Yet, the heading of this post reads "Sarah Palin delivers!" So do the headlines of the day in the NY Post and Washington Times.

Unbeknownst to the average American Palin HAS delivered - yet another baby that is. With a single stroke of rythimic pelvic contraction Palin has delivered more happiness and joy to the unsaitiable Conservative Right.