Free Diabetic Coma with Purchase of Democracy

So apparently the merchants of sugary goodness want to reward us for giving consent to the process that will appoint our next Lord and Master. On November 4th just step into a Krispy Kreme for a free doughnut and wash it down with a free scoop of ice cream from Ben and Jerry's. How many of these places can there be in NYC? I think the real question is how long can I ride the train for free doughnuts and ice cream without my insulin. Click these links if you aren't yet blind from adult onset diabetes.

Ben and Jerry Want You!

Free Doughnut with Purchase of Vote

Sicko ( When NOT single)

Pic: Febrile boyfriend gets tended to by his still healthy girlfriend

Falling sick can be depressing and frustrating especially when you are living alone. With the Flu going around, humans of both sexes need to take some pre-emptive measures which can turn this not so enjoyable experience into an immensely blissful one.

I have fallen sick many times(well not that many)in the past but I found myself alone and vulnerable. Not anymore! Here are a few tips that will change your febrile life forever:

Get a girlfriend. Yes. I can't stress on this point more. When women see that you're not well, they are overcome with empathy which is a natural response, thanks in part to their hormones. They will do a lot of things if not everything in their will to make you feel better. Here's what I got for falling sick: Breakfast in bed served with hot tea, Lunch in bed served with more hot tea and medication and Supper in bed served with some more hot tea and dessert. All I did was stay sick and be in bed!

But that's not all. The pot keeps sweetening and girlfriend keeps giving, contingent upon how you manage to detiorate your condition further either genuinely or by feigning more sickness. This step will open your hitherto single and lonely life compounded by bad health care policies and health insurance vermin to "Hotel TLC".

Once you enter this stage of sickness there's no looking back. In addition to the aforementioned Meals-in-bed routine you automatically qualify for added benefits which would make anyone with a gold card membership turn green with envy: Massage(Back or Full Body), Extra Heat in the room, Wet towel, Blow dry hair, coupled with intermittent making out sessions to list a few.

Neither of Obama's or McPain's health care policies include these added benefits because this post is far ahead of its times but there's hope. I strongly suggest readers to think ahead and prepare themselves for 2012. Who knows, if vouched for by good numbers, they may include a $ 1099.99 FYAG (Find yourself a girlfriend) check in your health care.